Remember when we used to laugh at the world

We knew nothing there could hurt us

Baby we were so dead wrong

It seems that was all that we were good for

Now nothing feels

Like it did with you with me at night

Now I can’t feel

I’m broken and I’ve lost the will to fight

Anymore

Sit me down and tell me of the times

That you were here and you could do no wrong

When waking up wasn’t so damn hard

When waking up meant more than just carrying on

Sit me down and tell me of your crimes

Hold my hand and help me move on

Tell me how I never mattered that much

Tell me what I should’ve known all along

Sometimes I hear your voice cry out

But I know it can never be

Sometimes I see her ghost in the mirror

But it’s just the better half of me

The half that no one sees

The half you stole from me.

The shower head comes on
The water pressure is good today
A plus
But the water blasting against the plastic shower curtain is chaos
The sound is nearly deafening
The insanity just won’t leave your head
You step in and put your face in front of the blast
Like a hero, sacrificing yourself
At the precise moment the curtain could take no more
And in that moment
With the warm water on your face
The chaotic noise just stops
And a beautiful song cuts through the noise
Just like that, its all okay
It will all be okay
It is all okay

Inches from giving up
Miles from a smile
Months since you felt anything

Yet I’m still here
I look up and see hope

A week
A month
A year

However long
This rare smile
Sits smug on my lips
It will have been an important one

Saving me from desperation
From the end
From myself
From you

I’m selling myself off
So boys gather around
I got anxiety by the bucket
And lonesome by the pound

The rest of me is too beat up
To get the going rate
Take what you need
Then leave me be
So I can quietly go insane

Me and the boys don’t smile no more
Not at all like we did before
Not like the times before I met you
Not like before they met you

You have no name and you have no face
You’re merely a ghost we continue to chase
A constant reminder of how we’ve failed
Only a memory

The lines now baby are starting to show
These heartache years are taking a toll
This killing time is almost dead
With the same sad song still in my head

How long can I keep this up?
The face I wear is starting to bear holes
I can tell my eyes are hollow
People don’t look at me the same
I feel they all can see

Unlovable
Invisible
Rock bottom

Everyday I’m charting new territory
I don’t want to die
Then again
I don’t want to do anything

I have nothing to give
You’ve picked these bones dry
Sun bleached
And more hollow than these eyes

The lonely nights have taken their toll
Your job is done
And so am I.

When I was younger
My father used to leave town
On those nights
My mother would take me outside
Point up to the moon
And tell me there was never any reason to be sad

No matter how far away
We were both looking at the same moon
Because of that
No matter what happens
We were never too far apart

It made it okay as a child
And at times
I still look up.

What do you do if there’s something you want
Something you are convinced will make you happy
But its so far away

Getting that something
Won’t end the misery
Just pass it on
Give it to the next person to try to live with it
You’ve worn it for far too long
Like a bad shirt long out of style
You are no longer relevant

But you’ve worn it so long
And it hasn’t killed you yet
It’s tried and you’ve made it
Does that make you strong?
Or just stupid

Maybe that’s what you’re there for?
Maybe that’s why they all look so happy
This kind of sorrow would have crushed them
Would that make you feel better?
Or would jealousy tear you apart?
Churning your guts until that last pale flame
No longer burns for love

And what if you got this thing?
Would it save you?
Would this, out of all the people, all the world
Be the one to do it?
Or would it crumble, under the enormous pressure
Leaving nothing in its wake

I would die for you to pull me out of this
But I’m terrified
That once you grab my hand
I’ll pull you down with me instead

So ill wait for you
Whenever that may be
And hope
For your sake
You never know what you could be to me.

I’m getting used to these nights
Alone
White walls
Flourescent bulbs that seem to burn out
Always faster than before
I throw them away
And families eat dinner
They are easily replaced
Always a box of dim white bulbs
Waiting
With no idea they will burn out
Faster than those before
And I thank you for the time you shine
No matter how brief
Without you, these white walls
Would surely suffocate.

It’s right on the tip of my tongue
All the words I want to say
I know if I could just find them
It would all be okay
But they are just out of reach

So ill sit
And write words
String them together
Trying to find the right combination
Where something starts to make sense

Does this make sense?
When you lie awake at night
Alone
Or with someone and even more alone
Does it all make sense?